My Brother Sam

I got to go down to Provo this weekend and visit my sister. It was a really fun day. We went to the BYU campus and then just hung out and stuff. We left after church to head back to Rexburg. I don't know why but I've been thinking about my brother lately and I just had a thought that I needed to go visit him. It was on the way home so Jared said we could go. Now I understand that my brother really isn't there but just seeing his grave made me somehow feel connected to him again. I did go get some flowers to put on his grave because I couldn't show up empty handed (indeed I did break the sabbath.. but I think it's alright) Anyways, we weren't there very long but I did get to talk to him and just tell him how much I love him and miss him. Then I couldn't stop myself and the tears came easily. I miss my brother so much. More than anyone could possibly know.

He was the sweetest person I have ever met. He may not have been good with his finances but he sure knew how to love. I remember when he was on his mission and I wrote him a letter and it took him a LONG time to write me back. When he did write me back he told me he was sorry that it had taken him so long and he was such an awful brother. I kept that letter for a very long time. He told me we were going to have "sister parties" when he got home from his mission, and we did. We sat downstairs with a bowl of popcorn and watched a movie. I know it seems silly now, but I loved those "parties". They made me feel like a big girl seeing as I was only 9 years old.

The first time I went on a real roller coaster was with my brother. I was so scared because it took you up really high and then you went flying down all the loops and then it went backwards. He had basically talked me into going on it and told me he would hold my hand. While we were sitting down he told me that if I screamed really loud I wouldn't be scared. It worked!! I was so proud of myself and so was he. He was the type of brother who just wanted to make his baby sister feel so good and accomplished about everything.

When we were younger he dug a fort in the green belt behind our house with his friends and even though I was really little he still let me come down and play in it. I honestly cannot remember ever being mad at him except for when he would wrestle me and tickle me. He was just the kind of big brother every girl ever imagined they would have.

(sorry this are kinda out of order)

My brother was a BIG swing dancer. He taught me everything I know, and if I have a good partner I can be pretty amazing. (not trying to be cocky or anything) We would just turn on music and dance for what felt like hours, and he would just swing me around and since I was so little he could pretty much do all the swing moves with me. It was so much fun. every time swing music comes on I think of my brother.

When he got home from his mission we were still aloud to go up to the gate and greet them. I don't remember much because I was so little but I remember he did his swing dance move with me and as he lifted me straight up above his head my foot kicked the ceiling and it broke. hahahaha it was too funny!! Im pretty sure we had a good laugh about that one.

I remember when my grandpa died we got to see my brother (since he was in Utah working) and he was really helpful when everything was going on for the funeral. He even made us sandwiches. Don't ask me why I remember that but I do. This was the last time I ever saw my brother alive.

Another time at the ranch we went snowmobiling. He was such a big boy and so I always felt comfortable with him. He went around all the fields and was going super fast but I wasn't scared. I was having fun.

The last time I talked to my brother was when he called me on my birthday, 2 days before he died. He told me happy birthday and that he loved me. Of course as a 10 year old I was having a party and didn't really want to talk to my brother because the fun and the games were waiting for me. My brother could wait. Little did I know he couldn't. I kick myself a lot for not talking to him. I know I never knew he would be gone in 2 days but if I could do anything over that would be it.

The day I found out about his death was a day I will NEVER forget. I can close my eyes and picture it like it happened yesterday. I was in the bathroom when my mom and dad came running through the door. My mom was yelling "this is bad. this is really bad" (pre story... someone had called the house looking for my mom but my mom was at the hospital visiting someone, and so they asked for the bishops number. my brother told me it was Brent my two older brothers dad. I thought it was weird Brent would have been asking for my bishops phone number but whatever.. I gave it too him.. back to the story) I ran out of the bathroom with my pants around my legs into the living room because my mothers tone scared me. I never imagined what would come out of her mouth. She told us that my brother had died while trying to give someone a blessing, in a freak snow storm, after she had been in an accident.(the story of his death is long and I would rather not write it all.. so that's all you get. sorry)As a 10 year old it's very hard to wrap your head around the fact that someone that has been there your whole life is just gone. My brother who is six years older than me suggested we sing, "families can be together forever" I did cry, but mostly I think it was because my mother was crying and I knew death wasn't a good thing.

That day at church I had gotten a little picture frame and I was debating all sunday what to put into it. I knew exactly what I was going to put in that frame when I heard the news. I went and got the photos and found a picture of my brother. I was very proud that I had been so clever to put a picture of my brother in the frame that I ran down the stairs to show my mother and she fainted. So I hid behind a chair in the corner for about 2 hours. I could hear people screaming my name outside and I could hear my parents calling everyone frantically but I was just so scared that I didn't want to come out.

My brothers funeral was a sad experience. I was older than my sisters and so I understood more than they did. We had a viewing so people could come and pay their respects. The sad thing is, is that because of the accident my brother looked nothing like he did when he was alive. He had a huge scar on the side of his face and his face was kind of smashed and misshapen. (sorry if that's too much information, but I need to write it)I stayed by him almost the whole viewing and just stroked his hair. People would give me weird looks, and one person even told me I needed to go sit down. I started crying when they said that to me, and when I told my mom what that person said to me she told me I was aloud to stay by my brother if I wanted. So I did. The whole viewing I just stood there and stroked his hair and his face.

I don't remember that much about my brother, but what I do remember will forever be precious to me. He died doing a Christ like thing, and I will never forget his total lack of self service. He did things because he knew it was the right thing to do. I miss my brother every day of his like. I wonder what he would have been like:

Would I have been able to call him and tell him my problems? Would I be excited to go see him where ever he was living? What would his wife have been like? Would I have liked her? How many kids would he have and what would they be like? Would he be my best friend or would we not be that close?

I have so many questions and I wish I could have them answered, but those will have to wait until I see him again. I love my brother. I know he's always watching over me and protecting me. Yes it is cliche but I do believe it. My brother was a great person and I'm glad I got to have him for my ten short years of life.

Thanks for reading if you even got this far. Visiting his grave today made me want to write down my memories of him, and I liked writing blogs so here it is.