Epiphany time

I had an intense epiphany last night, in the shower might I add (I mean they always happen in the shower. weirdest place ever. but every time! haha). So I realized last night... I'm the reason that I'm not married yet. haha sounds like an oxymoron I know but let me just lay it out for you...

I always pick the bad guys. I don't know if that's because I didn't really grow up with healthy relationships in my life or what but I pick the guys that have issues. I don't think I've ever dated a guy that's treated me right or had his head on straight. I search them out. They don't necessarily come to me, I sorta maybe might some how find them. It's stupid I know, and it's not even something that was so hidden I didn't know it I just realized it.

The other thing is, is that I know a lot of great amazing wonderful guys, that if I maybe let them I could get close to them. But for some reason I'm like deathly afraid of good guys. I am scared. Mostly because I know that if I have a bad guy he may not judge me as much for my short comings. I mean I've been told a ton of times I have issues. I argue with people, I like things to go my way, I don't like communicating with people when I'm mad at them, I can get mad for dumb reasons, and sometimes I'm just no fun to be around. So why would a good honest guy ever want me?!

I don't feel worthy of anyone's love. Except those that are just as messed up as I am, and even then they don't want me. Sorry this isn't a post that I want pity for. I am just realizing that I have a lot to do before someone amazing is going to want me. Because I don't think I can even let a good guy close without running away. I don't want them to get close to only have them walk out of my life because of my craziness. It's scary.

Well there you have it:) Epiphanies are super fantastic<3

This is post 100:)

hmmmm......

Idk why I'm blogging right now... guess cause I can. And because I took a nap after the Boise temple dedication (which was freaking amazing. I loved it a ton!!) and I slept for like 5 hours. I'm really not that tired.

So I feel sorta semi lost with what's happening with my life but I know that's how it's supposed to be and I'm mostly okay with it. I guess it's just hard cause EVERYONE and their dog is getting their mission calls and that was supposed to be me, and whenever I think... yeah I'll just start my papers when I get home reality sinks in and I realize I probably can't go. Not because I don't love the gospel but because I don't have the personality that gets along with everyone and that's not good for a missionary. I love this gospel and I would love to go somewhere and share it, but the more I think about it the more I realize that Heavenly Father is telling me it's okay, I'm just not meant to do that. I never thought I would be the one struggling inside with the fact that I really can't go on a mission... but here I am, sort of wishing that I had my call and that I was leaving soon.

Guess I'll get over that soon enough. I need to find an internship for January or else I am going to be in trouble:/ I wont be graduating in December 2013 if that is the case. Which I guess would be okay with me because I will miss Rexburg so much, and I will miss everyone here SO much! and starting life scares me. So much.

welp... that's all for now. I'm so excited that Thanksgiving is this week! I love getting to spend time with my family, especially when my sister is coming up from BYU:) I'm WAY excited!!!

I have so much to be thankful for! I have a wonderful family, I have the most amazing friends, I have the gospel of Jesus Christ in my life, I have the opportunity to become like my Savior, I have BYU-Idaho and all the comes with it, I have a roof over my head (in Idaho and Colorado), I have a knowledge of Heaven, I understand why I'm here, I have a wonderful and growing relationship with my Heavenly Father, I have so many blessings, I have love, and basically (almost) everything I could ever want.

I'm grateful I have the opportunity to be grateful this month. I should do it more often:)

My Trip to the Doctors:)

I went to see a specialist yesterday and I felt like I needed to journal it so I wouldn't forget what happened..... ya know?! And so all of my non readers can know what's going on with me:)

So I went to Pocatello and first I got my finger pricked and the put my blood under a microscope and looked at it really magnified. It was kinda crazy. haha. So they magnified my blood so they could see what is wrong with it. Here's what they found:

1. My red blood cells were white in the middle and they are supposed to be dark. That means I have an iron deficiency.
2. A lot of my cells were oblong and that means I have some anemia.
3. I had some parasites in my blood which was just gross
4. I have some hormone issues but not too bad
5. I have a lot of yeast in my body
6. My red blood cells are clumped together and that's not supposed to happen
7. The biggest problem I have is the fungus in my blood that relates exactly with stomach issues. IMAGINE THAT! haha I have not been lying about my stomach hurting and my stomach problems.

Luckily I do not have lymes disease and everything I have is very treatable!!! So I got put on a schedule of when I have to take my medicine which is going to run my life (haha for reals though. I have to take medicine: breakfast, lunch, dinner, before bed) I have 4 different types of things I am going to be taking that will hopefully fix my problem and make me better:)

So after I got my finger pricked I got my blood drawn (yuuuucky! I hate needles) They had to get blood for 4 different things. One to send away to the lab, one to send for thyroid, one to put in a shot, and a big one to put in an IV bag full of oxydized something. So they put my blood in an IV bag then ran the IV through a light that was making my blood good and clean, and then it went back into my body. Not gonna lie it made me a little nauseous. Just seeing my blood run back into my body was, for some reason, very gross to me. haha

Then I got another IV bag full of a bunch of different vitamins. That one made me pretty tired, but it also didn't make me queasy. After I was done with my two IV bags I got a shot (it was my blood mixed with something else that was supposed to make it clean and new) right in my hip. haha It didn't hurt as bad as I thought it would. Probably because it's just a bunch of fat in my hip and not a lot of nerves.

Then I got to go see Dr. H. who is a licensed hypnotist. I was super critical of it, because that's just weird, but it was really great! He started off by asking me a bunch of questions about myself (hobbies, schooling, what I want to do when I graduate, etc.)and then we started the session. So he put me under (and I thought it was bogus and I wasn't actually hypnotized) and I listened to what he was saying to me. The first half was gibberish, and then it started getting really good. He told me that I beat up on myself, but that I am smart (which I always tell myself I'm stupid), I am not just pretty but I am beautiful (which I tell myself that too,) and some other things that I cannot remember.

He then told me there were two words which were given to me at birth but I have either forgetten them, they've been taken away, or I've put them away. The words are: I'M ENOUGH. Well when he brought me out of it I was crying. hahaha I am a baby. He asked me what I was feeling.. and I felt happy. The happiest I have felt in a long time (since I decided to start my mission papers). Then he asked me what was missing. What was something I had brought in the room with me that I no longer had. I said pain cause that's the only thing I could think of. AND IT WAS TRUE! I no longer felt emotional pain.

Everything I've been feeling for the past couple weeks was gone! I no longer felt anything towards Chris, and it felt so relieving and amazing. Now I know you're all probably still skeptical, but I'm telling you it worked!!!!! I haven't thought a bad negative thought about Chris since then. I'm so glad I went and did that. He gave me a cd with the session so I can go back and listen to it:)

Overall it was an amazing experience and I'm glad I now know what's going on in my body and well as the fact that I feel better about myself:)

Goodbye my Hopeless Dream

So... since this is like my own personal diary and I doubt anyone actually reads this anymore I'm going to diary all up on this thing. hahaha

A few weeks ago (4-5 to be precise) I started talking to a boy. It seemed innocent enough, since he lived in a different state and I wasn't sure about what I was supposed to be doing. I guess the first mistake I made was praying about him. I understand prayer and I love it, but I guess I shouldn't have been praying seriously about someone before I really knew them.

So I went to Utah, hung out with him, (which I thought went really well) and came back to rexburg. Only to find out that he had another girl in a different country. Well I was pretty upset, and feeling led on so I decided to end whatever it was that was happening.

But of course (silly me) I had been praying about it and I just felt like I was supposed to pursue him. So Instead of listening to my head (for the first time in a long time) I listened to my heart. My heart told me that it was a good thing to do and he wouldn't hurt me.

We talked and he texted me almost every morning (with the exception of maybe 4 mornings) throughout the entire 4-5 weeks we were talking. He even called me a couple of times. During all of that time he never once said that he didn't want to be anything more than friends. In fact I feel like I should have seen it coming, except for the fact that we were talking about so many personal things AND he told me he wanted me in his life without a doubt (not saying just as a friend) AND he continued to text me good morning messages. He also told me that we would just have to wait until January to see what happened with us. NEVER saying friend wise, but relationship wise.

So I had a feeling something bad was going to happen (call it women's intuition) and I was just in a bad mood for a couple days. I finally decided to talk to him about his feelings (also you should know... I told him EXACTLY how I felt about him. I didn't hold anything back because I didn't feel like I was supposed too. I was very very honest with him.)he gave me an answer that blew me out of the water.

He said that he never saw it going anywhere and if it didn't work out with this girl in the other country that he had a girl in Utah (I had absolutely no idea about this girl in Utah. He was keeping it a secret from me).I thanked him for finally being honest with me to which he replied that he was always honest with me. To which I replied that, that was a lie but I didn't want to argue and I never wanted to talk to him ever again. He made up some dumb thing about something totally stupid and said well don't be afraid to say hi or whatever. He's an ass!

SO.... I went to bed very angry at myself for ever letting myself be in the middle of the process of falling in love with him, and mad at him for ever hurting me. (side note: he kept telling me he didn't want to see me hurt and he didn't want to hurt me. if that's the case why in the hell would he ever have led me on?)

Then I woke up upset and frustrated, but mostly still just super pissed at him, until I find out he's been talking to my cousin and saying it was basically all my fault and he never did anything mean or wrong(boys are retarded). He kept telling my cousin that he just felt bad and awful and he hoped he could get my forgiveness or whatever the hell he wants, and thankfully my cousin told him that was not going to happen for a long time if ever.

I hate him for doing this to me, but I think I hate myself more for allowing my walls to come down so easily, knowing that this would probably happen. So here I am once again (luckily I waited 2 years to let someone break my heart again) feeling completely empty inside. Wanting nothing more than to forget about him but also wishing that it would be different. I still check my phone... half expecting to have a text from him and wishing that there was. But I know I can't talk to him. Too much pain would result from that. Until I can separate my feelings he will be off limits.

So now you know what's happened... let me just say this. This is not something I say out loud because well it's stupid and it makes me sound stupid but here it goes anyways.

I thought this time would be different. I truly did. I let myself break down my walls more than enough (way more than was necessary) and at the end of the day all I'm left with is a broken wall with only myself to rebuild. This time I plan on building it higher. No one is getting through unless they freaking pick at it with a mountain pick and then blow it up with dynamite and then even then they'll probably still have to call the hulk in from his hidden village to bulldoze the wall. It's gonna be that great.

I don't trust men. I don't and at this point I feel like I never will. This leads me to believe that maybe it's not the men's fault but that there is something wrong with me. I must have a disease. I literally believe I have something wrong with me because why would so many guys continue to lie and hurt me?! I asked my mother this today and she didn't even know what to say. Probably because it's true.

I've seriously considered running away. I know I shouldn't run from my problems cause they'll still be there when I get back but I can't handle them right now. I just want to scream at everyone and I feel an empty spot in my heart. I hate the empty feeling. It's the number 1 spot in the top 5 least favorite things list. I hate realizing that I let myself love only to get shattered, and I HATE that he doesn't even understand how badly I'm hurting right now. If he did he wouldn't apologize because that doesn't even make sense and he definitely would not be telling my cousin that it's my fault.

Is there any happiness in the world? I mean I know I want to believe there is, and I see it in many aspects.. I guess I should rephrase the question to is there any healthy happy relationship that ever makes it past a few months?! I have NEVER seen a healthy relationship up close and maybe that's why I'm damaged. I don't even know how to have a healthy relationship and my subconscious is constantly searching for the most messed up guy it can find. It would explain so many things. Basically what it comes down to is that I don't believe there can ever be happiness in a relationship, and I guess because I don't believe that I will never find that. Cool! Awesome!

Last thing then I'll be done: I feel like a pathetic loser. Other people around me have there lives crashing down and here I am crying and sad over this idiot loser who should have meant nothing to me. I should get over myself and start realizing my life is fantastic and awesome and stop being such a freaking whiner! But will I do that?! No because I don't know how to get myself out of an emotional slump without going through it. I don't know how to just rip myself from the situation without first being stuck in it for a while.

I guess that's the way God intended it. He wants us to learn and if it's easy we wont learn a thing. If it's something that can be overcome in a day or a moment we will never see anything different. That's why He gives us trials anyways. So we can become the daughter/son that He knows we can become. For that I am grateful Heavenly Father loves me enough to push me to my breaking point, and to make me go through hard things. Because if I had to go through life never growing, and never understanding I have a greater potential... well then what was the point of it all?!

Guess I have some serious thinking to do now.....