Strangely I have felt like crying all day long. I say this is strange because normally I just feel like crying once a week or once every other week, but today it's been a constant want to just curl up in my bed and sob my heart out. Not that my life has been more treacherous then before but seriously... okay so that's not really true.. my mom has been in the hospital for over a week now. This is a big thing for my family. Yes my mom has been sick but being in a hospital for that long of a time is kind of a BIG deal. I worry so much about my mom and since I'm not there it's really been hard on me. Well my roommates have kinda been taking the crap I've been feeling. And Im sorry for that. It's just hard to be so emotional during midterms because my midterms are going to be hard.
yup I know Im just whining... sorry. I'll stop now.
I had a fantastic weekend up at the Ranch with my amazing family and my fantastic roommates:) I don't really want to go into details cause it was fun and LONG. but just know we had a BLAST! and now Im back to the grind of things...
BUT... I finished my final for Infants and Toddlers, and I'm almost done with my final for Book of Mormon. I cannot believe I'm almost down to 13 credits. I cannot wait until I don't have to get up at 7:00am. I'm also gonna get freaking amazing grades in these 2 classes! A:) yup I'm pretty excited about that. Although it's not that big of an accomplishment because they're pretty easy classes.
I also got a new battery for my laptop:) how exciting! My laptop is already acting better:)I also got a new cell phone cover. It's adorable! haha I'm just too excited about it!
anyways.. this was a dumb post.. and it's also late.. and I have to be up for my 7:45 class in less than 7 hours. So I should probably go to bed.. or not?! Not really sure.... peace and blessings
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
the struggle within
I recently watched the Justin Bieber movie and honestly.. it was really good. Judge me all you want. But I think it's amazing where he has come from, and he really cares about his fans. He isn't just another jerky celebrity who enjoys becoming rich and famous and tearing others down. He cried when he had to cancel one of his shows and was so upset that he was letting his fans down. anyways.... why am I telling you this? I'm honestly not sure. I just wanted to tell you guys that he isn't a bad singer or a little boy or even a loser. He's got guts and he's got lungs! He's all natural.
Anyways... It's been over a month since I've been in school and I've been struggling a lot. And yes people (especially my roommates) have seen my outward struggle because I'm an emotional outward person but no one knows the inward struggle.
first the outward:
I'm stressin big time over two of my classes- accounting and business. Yes I know these are hard classes but I never imaged the amount of work I would have to put into these classes to pull a D on a test. Yes. I did get a D on my first accounting test. Although it was .3 away from a C so whatever.. I'm happy with it. Business is a freaking stats class. I was not aware I was signing up for a business stats class, and would I have known that I may have had thoughts about changing my major. Okay so the homework is harder than I thought and it's taking up so much of my time.
second the inward: I literally feel stupid. I feel like I lost all of my smarts somewhere on the way up to Rexburg and they are lost. I know others are struggling but school used to be easy for me. I've seriously asked myself multiple times why I am here in college getting a degree. I feel like school isn't even for me. I mean I could do almost no homework and get pretty good grades but now I can't even figure out my homework. So I went and got a tutor, and you wanna know what he asked me? "Don't you feel stupid?" NO JOKE. I seriously wanted to cry. I am sure this tutor had know idea that he had just tapped into what I had been feeling since the beginning of the semester, and almost made me break down sobbing, so I guess I wont really judge him. Even though it was a rather rude thing to say to an accounting student who isn't even an accounting major. Sorry I know I have been rambling on and on.. and yes I am talking about my feelings. So if that makes you uncomfortable maybe you should check that heart of yours:) I just feel like I'm worthless. Yes I know. I never thought I would utter those words to myself, especially after such amazing self discovery, but I do. Almost every single day. I'm doing pretty awful in most of my classes and I'm starting to feel less spiritual every day. I seriously hate the feeling of not feeling so spiritual. It's one of the worst feelings in the world. I want to get it back, but I honestly don't know how to. To make matters worse I can't seem to get a guy to even look at me. NO FREAKING JOKE. haha. They look at everyone around me but seem to look right through me. No I don't need a man to be happy, but it sure wouldn't hurt.
I know what you're thinking if you've actually gotten this far... This girl is ridiculous. and yes I really am. I love myself. I love my life. Please don't mistake this blog post as me being overly negative and pessimistic, because thats not why I wrote it. I am really struggling and writing helps me. So judge me ALL you want:) I'll take all you've got.
To make matter worse my mom went to the ER today. I know my dad is all touchy with me writing stuff on my facebook because he thinks it's some secret, so I'm not writing it on facebook. The few of you that read this probably already know so I'm gonna write about it. well not really about it but just write. Basically I'm really scared. Like really scared. I know I don't really hold my emotions in but I hold these in because no one understands and people just tell me they're sorry and it'll all be fine. But they don't know. They can't know. If I lose my mom I don't know what I'll do. I cannot imagine my life without her, and so I wont. But for her being in the hospital is a serious thing because she is so headstrong that she will be at home working until she can no longer go on. I love that woman. I know this is an awful thing for me to say but I've been praying since I got here for my mom and then she ends up in the hospital. HELLO HEAVENLY FATHER! ARE YOU UP THERE? DID YOU TAKE A LITTLE VACATION? ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME? now I am surely going to hell for even typing those words but it's how I feel. If you want to say something to me about how He does hear me and He loves me DON'T. I've heard it all before. I know. Doesn't mean I don't wonder it.
Well sorry this has been a really long post. Guess I just needed to talk to my computer:) Although I feel exactly the same as I did before I started writing this, some of my emotions wont come out as sobs or anger.. so that's a very fantastic thing. Anyways.. thanks for reading:) And for not saying anything unless it's to tell me that I'm awesome:) haha JK but really. Thank You.
Anyways... It's been over a month since I've been in school and I've been struggling a lot. And yes people (especially my roommates) have seen my outward struggle because I'm an emotional outward person but no one knows the inward struggle.
first the outward:
I'm stressin big time over two of my classes- accounting and business. Yes I know these are hard classes but I never imaged the amount of work I would have to put into these classes to pull a D on a test. Yes. I did get a D on my first accounting test. Although it was .3 away from a C so whatever.. I'm happy with it. Business is a freaking stats class. I was not aware I was signing up for a business stats class, and would I have known that I may have had thoughts about changing my major. Okay so the homework is harder than I thought and it's taking up so much of my time.
second the inward: I literally feel stupid. I feel like I lost all of my smarts somewhere on the way up to Rexburg and they are lost. I know others are struggling but school used to be easy for me. I've seriously asked myself multiple times why I am here in college getting a degree. I feel like school isn't even for me. I mean I could do almost no homework and get pretty good grades but now I can't even figure out my homework. So I went and got a tutor, and you wanna know what he asked me? "Don't you feel stupid?" NO JOKE. I seriously wanted to cry. I am sure this tutor had know idea that he had just tapped into what I had been feeling since the beginning of the semester, and almost made me break down sobbing, so I guess I wont really judge him. Even though it was a rather rude thing to say to an accounting student who isn't even an accounting major. Sorry I know I have been rambling on and on.. and yes I am talking about my feelings. So if that makes you uncomfortable maybe you should check that heart of yours:) I just feel like I'm worthless. Yes I know. I never thought I would utter those words to myself, especially after such amazing self discovery, but I do. Almost every single day. I'm doing pretty awful in most of my classes and I'm starting to feel less spiritual every day. I seriously hate the feeling of not feeling so spiritual. It's one of the worst feelings in the world. I want to get it back, but I honestly don't know how to. To make matters worse I can't seem to get a guy to even look at me. NO FREAKING JOKE. haha. They look at everyone around me but seem to look right through me. No I don't need a man to be happy, but it sure wouldn't hurt.
I know what you're thinking if you've actually gotten this far... This girl is ridiculous. and yes I really am. I love myself. I love my life. Please don't mistake this blog post as me being overly negative and pessimistic, because thats not why I wrote it. I am really struggling and writing helps me. So judge me ALL you want:) I'll take all you've got.
To make matter worse my mom went to the ER today. I know my dad is all touchy with me writing stuff on my facebook because he thinks it's some secret, so I'm not writing it on facebook. The few of you that read this probably already know so I'm gonna write about it. well not really about it but just write. Basically I'm really scared. Like really scared. I know I don't really hold my emotions in but I hold these in because no one understands and people just tell me they're sorry and it'll all be fine. But they don't know. They can't know. If I lose my mom I don't know what I'll do. I cannot imagine my life without her, and so I wont. But for her being in the hospital is a serious thing because she is so headstrong that she will be at home working until she can no longer go on. I love that woman. I know this is an awful thing for me to say but I've been praying since I got here for my mom and then she ends up in the hospital. HELLO HEAVENLY FATHER! ARE YOU UP THERE? DID YOU TAKE A LITTLE VACATION? ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME? now I am surely going to hell for even typing those words but it's how I feel. If you want to say something to me about how He does hear me and He loves me DON'T. I've heard it all before. I know. Doesn't mean I don't wonder it.
Well sorry this has been a really long post. Guess I just needed to talk to my computer:) Although I feel exactly the same as I did before I started writing this, some of my emotions wont come out as sobs or anger.. so that's a very fantastic thing. Anyways.. thanks for reading:) And for not saying anything unless it's to tell me that I'm awesome:) haha JK but really. Thank You.
Friday, May 6, 2011
3 weeks in
I haven't written in a while mostly because I've been so dang busy but I feel like I haven't really had anything to say. I suppose I could start off by saying that I absolutely LOVE my roommates. I have never gotten so close to anyone so fast before. we've all been through rough things and I think that really bonds us. I also set Jared (my cousin) up with my roommate Callie and they really hit it off:) It makes me very happy. haha It's been harder being here emotionally then I thought it would be because I want so badly to be good and positive and it's really hard because I'm stressed all the time. I did homework for about 6.5 hours monday night and I still wasn't done. It was quite ridiculous.
My classes have been HARD. But I'm staying strong and getting my homework done because I want to prove to myself that I can do it!! I started tennis this last week too and I have missed it so very much. We have our first meet this saturday to make sure the team is even and I cannot wait!
I just read over this post and it is REALLY boring. Sorry friends and family. haha I seriously don't know what to write.
I have been really getting into reading the Book of Mormon and I'm kinda in love with it. I just get so excited when I read it and it just speaks to me and makes me want to be a better person. I could go on and on for hours about the things I've learned. I find it truly inspiring and I have, on more then one occasion, bugged my roommates about the amazing things I've found while I've been studying. LOVE the scriptures. I wish I had found the beauty of them earlier in my life, but now that I've found it I'm never letting it go. If I decide to go on a mission I will preach about the greatness of the scriptures every single second of the day (except when I am sleeping). If anyone wants to discuss anything from the second half of the Book of Mormon you just call me up and we'll talk:)
I went to a party last night with my roommates and it was really fun. haha and it got shut down by the cops because apparently in Rexburg we aren't allowed to make any noise! It was pretty funny. But we looked good and it was still 11 so we drove down to IF and went to Denny's. I love these girls! Don't know what I would do without their constant love and support in my life:)
Anyways.. sorry for the really boring blog. I'm sure they will get better soon. Hopefully. but before I sign off I want to share something sister Clark shared in the first devotional up here:
Be where you're supposed to be when you are supposed to be there.
lots of love.
My classes have been HARD. But I'm staying strong and getting my homework done because I want to prove to myself that I can do it!! I started tennis this last week too and I have missed it so very much. We have our first meet this saturday to make sure the team is even and I cannot wait!
I just read over this post and it is REALLY boring. Sorry friends and family. haha I seriously don't know what to write.
I have been really getting into reading the Book of Mormon and I'm kinda in love with it. I just get so excited when I read it and it just speaks to me and makes me want to be a better person. I could go on and on for hours about the things I've learned. I find it truly inspiring and I have, on more then one occasion, bugged my roommates about the amazing things I've found while I've been studying. LOVE the scriptures. I wish I had found the beauty of them earlier in my life, but now that I've found it I'm never letting it go. If I decide to go on a mission I will preach about the greatness of the scriptures every single second of the day (except when I am sleeping). If anyone wants to discuss anything from the second half of the Book of Mormon you just call me up and we'll talk:)
I went to a party last night with my roommates and it was really fun. haha and it got shut down by the cops because apparently in Rexburg we aren't allowed to make any noise! It was pretty funny. But we looked good and it was still 11 so we drove down to IF and went to Denny's. I love these girls! Don't know what I would do without their constant love and support in my life:)
Anyways.. sorry for the really boring blog. I'm sure they will get better soon. Hopefully. but before I sign off I want to share something sister Clark shared in the first devotional up here:
Be where you're supposed to be when you are supposed to be there.
lots of love.
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