Depression

It was one of those weeks that you so easily want to forget, and I don't remember most of it because I was sleeping literally most of the week. Pretty sure this is a problem when you're in college and a part of your grade depends on attendance. I don't know what my problem is. It's not like I just don't feel like getting up for class. Yes I don't like my classes but that doesn't mean I just want to write them off. I've had this feeling before once in my life.. The feeling of not being able to get up. Those of you that have ever felt this know I'm not just make bs up but that it's real. Senior year of high school I had this problem. Granted I also wanted to kill myself and basically hated myself but I just wanted to sleep ALL the time and I missed a lot of my classes in the morning because I couldn't wake myself up. The word for it is depression. For those of you that don't know what that is here's a definition:

"a mood disorder marked especially by sadness, inactivity, difficulty with thinking and concentration, a significant increase or decrease in appetite and time spent sleeping, feelings of dejection and hopelessness, and sometimes suicidal thoughts or an attempt to commit suicide"

Now I haven't had any suicidal thoughts in the past... day. haha kidding. I haven't thought about suicide for a quite a time now but the top of the definition is pretty much what I've been feeling for the past couple weeks. Sucky! lets looks at the causes of depression:

"Genetics. A family history of depression may increase the risk. It's thought that depression is passed genetically from one generation to the next. The exact way this happens, though, is not known."

"Doctors aren't sure what causes depression, but a prominent theory is altered brain structure and chemical function. Chemicals called neurotransmitters become unbalanced. What pushes these chemicals off course? One possibility is the stress of a traumatic event, such as losing a loved one or a job. Other triggers could include certain medications, alcohol or substance abuse, hormonal changes, or even the season."

Fantastic. Yes depression does run in my family. I've been taking anti-depressants for about 2 and a half years on and off and when I need them they are great but I don't want depression to run my life. Most of the time I have it under control but even the times when I am happy and content it seems to come back. I love my life right now. I am happy with who I am and with my faith in the gospel. So why am I depressed again? It's so frustrating to me.

People around me don't understand it and that may be the most frustrating thing to me. I know I can't change who I am. I cannot change the fact that my brain has a chemical imbalance. I cannot change the fact that I have been diagnosed with Clinical depression. Cannot help it. Yet so many times I feel like those around me would abandon me because they don't understand. In high school the very thing happened to me. It blew up in my face. I graduated high school with absolutely no friends. It sucked but it was life and I dealt with it.

Anyways.. here I am acting all depressed again. haha even my writing has become depressing. I think there are several things that spun me back into this annoying depression. Let me share with you:

~My mother was in the hospital for over a week
She has been sick for quite a while and the doctors couldn't figure out what was wrong and it was really scary for me and I had a really tough time dealing with it.

~I found out my best friend is leaving for a semester to study abroad
It's super exciting that she gets to go to Jerusalem but I am going to miss her.She is kinda home. I don't mean that to sound creepy or anything but my whole BYU-Idaho existence she's been there, and now she's not going to be. This is probably one of the bigger reasons.

~School has been really really difficult for me
I don't know why but I've been struggling quite a lot with my studies. Normally I'm very studious but my classes have been so difficult and ridiculous almost. Basically this has been my hardest semester.

~None of my roommates are staying in the fall
Basically this means I have to start all over. I also love my roommates. They are amazing girls and I've become so close to them and now I have no idea when I will be seeing them again. It's just very sad

Basically that's it. So guess I'll get some anti-depressants and all will be right with the world. Until then.. I'll keep on keepin on.

*The definitions and causes are from WebMD