depression please cut to the chase and make a long story short

So this week has been one of the worst most hardest weeks I have had in a very long time.

I have had a tough time at work. Normally I don't loose my patience with the kids but all week I have just been loosing it over and over again. and I think thats because a couple of my kids will just scream and scream. I went home with a headache every single night this week. So that was super fun! Also today we only had 5 kids because two were at home sick and the other one doesn't come on fridays. Well anyways, 2 kids went home sick before 3 and one of the kids left on vacation. So at 3 o'clock we had 2 kids! It was absolutely wonderful! I also got paid today which I really needed since I had been running low on money for gas and car insurance. oh the joys of having a car again.

Also today I found out that I am considered a part timer when it comes to things like staff meetings and stuff. Which really bothers me, because on our staff in-service day I only get to come in from 3-5 instead of from 8-5. I am so sick of working there. My boss treats me horrible and then pretends that everything is okay.

This week has also been horrible because there have been some issues. I did decide to go back to school. I know that that is where I am supposed to be. and so even though I will have to talk out a loan and all of that stuff, I need to do it because that is what my life needs right now. I also decided that I want to try to find a job up there at school so I dont have to come home during the seven week break and work at the daycare again and get treated like crap. And I decided that in order to keep myself from getting hurt I am going to keep myself preoccupied.

I have been having a lot of trouble accepting something that really isn't my choice to accept in the first place. As a result of that I have been pushing my best friend away. I feel horrible for doing that, because she is my best friend, and I hope that she always will be. I just really hate the decision she is making and instead of sticking with her and loving her all the more I just shut down and didn't want to have anything to do with it. I also realized something about myself the other night on my walk. I realized that my whole entire life I have put everyone else's feelings before mine. and I just let people walk all over me. and shove me under the bus. and I realized that I dont have to do that to be happy. I can be a happy person and live a wonderful life and put my needs and feelings before others. But in doing so I didn't see that what I did need was my best friend

I honestly felt like I was being used, and I've been used by people my whole life. and so when I came to this new idea about myself I went a little crazy and just couldn't stop myself from almost pushing myself completely away. I really am sorry. If I would have been not so tired (from staying up till about 3 every morning) and not so stressed about work I would have been able to think. Even tho I do not agree with or even like this decision I need to stick by my best friend. and if I do end up getting used then I do. But one thing I know now that I didn't know before is that if it starts getting out of control I can always put how I feel before anything else.

I dont know if you are reading this. But if you are, I feel bad for how I acted. But to say I was sorry a million times would be denying the new part of myself. I really was doing what was best for me. and for the first time in a very long time I put my feelings before someone else's. What I didn't know was how to have a balance. and how to understand what I was doing. But I know now. and I hopefully will not make the mistake again. As for the whole dramatic thing, I dont believe I was being dramatic. Thats just who I am. Im opinionated, honest, nosey, and most of all I stick up for my friends. sometimes all of that mixed together can come off as overdramatic. And sometimes it is.....

Anyways, Im sure you all wanted to read all of this stupid stuff I just wrote. hahaha. I do tend to go on and on in my blogs about nothing imparticular. sorry about that guys! But I feel better writing. and I feel even better knowing that someone somewhere is reading what I write. I love you all very much!