So... since this is like my own personal diary and I doubt anyone actually reads this anymore I'm going to diary all up on this thing. hahaha
A few weeks ago (4-5 to be precise) I started talking to a boy. It seemed innocent enough, since he lived in a different state and I wasn't sure about what I was supposed to be doing. I guess the first mistake I made was praying about him. I understand prayer and I love it, but I guess I shouldn't have been praying seriously about someone before I really knew them.
So I went to Utah, hung out with him, (which I thought went really well) and came back to rexburg. Only to find out that he had another girl in a different country. Well I was pretty upset, and feeling led on so I decided to end whatever it was that was happening.
But of course (silly me) I had been praying about it and I just felt like I was supposed to pursue him. So Instead of listening to my head (for the first time in a long time) I listened to my heart. My heart told me that it was a good thing to do and he wouldn't hurt me.
We talked and he texted me almost every morning (with the exception of maybe 4 mornings) throughout the entire 4-5 weeks we were talking. He even called me a couple of times. During all of that time he never once said that he didn't want to be anything more than friends. In fact I feel like I should have seen it coming, except for the fact that we were talking about so many personal things AND he told me he wanted me in his life without a doubt (not saying just as a friend) AND he continued to text me good morning messages. He also told me that we would just have to wait until January to see what happened with us. NEVER saying friend wise, but relationship wise.
So I had a feeling something bad was going to happen (call it women's intuition) and I was just in a bad mood for a couple days. I finally decided to talk to him about his feelings (also you should know... I told him EXACTLY how I felt about him. I didn't hold anything back because I didn't feel like I was supposed too. I was very very honest with him.)he gave me an answer that blew me out of the water.
He said that he never saw it going anywhere and if it didn't work out with this girl in the other country that he had a girl in Utah (I had absolutely no idea about this girl in Utah. He was keeping it a secret from me).I thanked him for finally being honest with me to which he replied that he was always honest with me. To which I replied that, that was a lie but I didn't want to argue and I never wanted to talk to him ever again. He made up some dumb thing about something totally stupid and said well don't be afraid to say hi or whatever. He's an ass!
SO.... I went to bed very angry at myself for ever letting myself be in the middle of the process of falling in love with him, and mad at him for ever hurting me. (side note: he kept telling me he didn't want to see me hurt and he didn't want to hurt me. if that's the case why in the hell would he ever have led me on?)
Then I woke up upset and frustrated, but mostly still just super pissed at him, until I find out he's been talking to my cousin and saying it was basically all my fault and he never did anything mean or wrong(boys are retarded). He kept telling my cousin that he just felt bad and awful and he hoped he could get my forgiveness or whatever the hell he wants, and thankfully my cousin told him that was not going to happen for a long time if ever.
I hate him for doing this to me, but I think I hate myself more for allowing my walls to come down so easily, knowing that this would probably happen. So here I am once again (luckily I waited 2 years to let someone break my heart again) feeling completely empty inside. Wanting nothing more than to forget about him but also wishing that it would be different. I still check my phone... half expecting to have a text from him and wishing that there was. But I know I can't talk to him. Too much pain would result from that. Until I can separate my feelings he will be off limits.
So now you know what's happened... let me just say this. This is not something I say out loud because well it's stupid and it makes me sound stupid but here it goes anyways.
I thought this time would be different. I truly did. I let myself break down my walls more than enough (way more than was necessary) and at the end of the day all I'm left with is a broken wall with only myself to rebuild. This time I plan on building it higher. No one is getting through unless they freaking pick at it with a mountain pick and then blow it up with dynamite and then even then they'll probably still have to call the hulk in from his hidden village to bulldoze the wall. It's gonna be that great.
I don't trust men. I don't and at this point I feel like I never will. This leads me to believe that maybe it's not the men's fault but that there is something wrong with me. I must have a disease. I literally believe I have something wrong with me because why would so many guys continue to lie and hurt me?! I asked my mother this today and she didn't even know what to say. Probably because it's true.
I've seriously considered running away. I know I shouldn't run from my problems cause they'll still be there when I get back but I can't handle them right now. I just want to scream at everyone and I feel an empty spot in my heart. I hate the empty feeling. It's the number 1 spot in the top 5 least favorite things list. I hate realizing that I let myself love only to get shattered, and I HATE that he doesn't even understand how badly I'm hurting right now. If he did he wouldn't apologize because that doesn't even make sense and he definitely would not be telling my cousin that it's my fault.
Is there any happiness in the world? I mean I know I want to believe there is, and I see it in many aspects.. I guess I should rephrase the question to is there any healthy happy relationship that ever makes it past a few months?! I have NEVER seen a healthy relationship up close and maybe that's why I'm damaged. I don't even know how to have a healthy relationship and my subconscious is constantly searching for the most messed up guy it can find. It would explain so many things. Basically what it comes down to is that I don't believe there can ever be happiness in a relationship, and I guess because I don't believe that I will never find that. Cool! Awesome!
Last thing then I'll be done: I feel like a pathetic loser. Other people around me have there lives crashing down and here I am crying and sad over this idiot loser who should have meant nothing to me. I should get over myself and start realizing my life is fantastic and awesome and stop being such a freaking whiner! But will I do that?! No because I don't know how to get myself out of an emotional slump without going through it. I don't know how to just rip myself from the situation without first being stuck in it for a while.
I guess that's the way God intended it. He wants us to learn and if it's easy we wont learn a thing. If it's something that can be overcome in a day or a moment we will never see anything different. That's why He gives us trials anyways. So we can become the daughter/son that He knows we can become. For that I am grateful Heavenly Father loves me enough to push me to my breaking point, and to make me go through hard things. Because if I had to go through life never growing, and never understanding I have a greater potential... well then what was the point of it all?!
Guess I have some serious thinking to do now.....
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