I Walked Across an Empty Land

There are literally a bajillion thoughts running through my head. Yes. A bajillion. I could lay em all out.. perhaps I will.... My stomach hurts. I'm sick of my stomach hurting. I hate feeling lonely. I'm never alone cause I have Heavenly Father. Boys suck. I just want him to like me more than I will ever admit out loud. I wonder if I'm good enough. Life's too short to play games. What if I have to play the games to get the guy? Is it all going to be worth it in the end? Everything happens for a reason. Am I being selfish? I know I'm supposed to be chilling out, but it's way harder said then done. I really want to like someone else, anyone else. I love my marketing classes. I have to graduate in 2 more semesters. I'm scared to death of the unknown. What if I graduate and haven't met "the one"? What do I do with my life if I leave here alone? Am I doing the right thing? Should I be going to China in a couple months? Why in the freaking heck have I been sick for 6 days now?! I really like listening to these sad songs, they strangely make me feel better. I wish I could just say what I felt, life would be so much easier. I wish I could give him my feelings for just one second, and maybe he would understand. Does anyone understand? (of course idiot. That's a dumb thought) Why do I feel like I'm sitting waiting for my life to happen? I wish there was a way to take control of my life. But wait... that's what I'm doing. I'm letting Heavenly Father take control. Or am I? Now I'm confused. I really want this guy to be mine. I don't want to have to wait for 3 months to find out he may or may not want me back. What happens if he doesn't want me back? How am I supposed to leave that? I'm gonna have no friends when I come back here in the Spring. I keep saying my life sucks, but it really doesn't. I have people who love me, and I have amazing faith.

HA. Bet you wont ever ask me what I'm thinking again:) My brain is odd. haha. I just keep cycling through thoughts, hoping something will make sense... and nothing really does. I want answers and I'm ashamed to say this, but I want them now. I know that's not how Heavenly Father works, it never has been, but seriously....

I really am happy. I am doing something I love (marketing) and I'm surrounded by people I love. I guess the problem is, is my life had a purpose back when I was going on a mission. I had a reason to do things, and well without a reason life kinda just keeps going.... Not saying life has left me behind, I just guess I'm going with the flow not really planning anything but wanting everything I've ever wanted.

Sorry for the love talk. But I need to get it out. I have always been told, "Jessica when you meet the man you're supposed to marry it will be easy and you wont have to try very hard. It's that way for everyone, and you'll just sort of know" Well either this guy isn't the one I'm supposed to remotely be with, or all that crap about it being easy is gibberish. I know what I feel and I know (I think I know) what Heavenly Father is telling me, and the fact that it's not what people say it should be makes me want to cringe away... but then after I get the thought to cringe I get an immediate thought that tells me it doesn't matter what people think: This guy is different. Oh how I want to believe that. It's not like he'd even break my heart on purpose. I'd break it all on my own. Which would be the dumbest thing I could ever do to myself. Anyways... Adam says to just chill and stop trying and just be his friend. I want to do that so bad, but I guess I just don't really know how to. Any pointers?! They would be much appreciated:)