I had an intense epiphany last night, in the shower might I add (I mean they always happen in the shower. weirdest place ever. but every time! haha). So I realized last night... I'm the reason that I'm not married yet. haha sounds like an oxymoron I know but let me just lay it out for you...
I always pick the bad guys. I don't know if that's because I didn't really grow up with healthy relationships in my life or what but I pick the guys that have issues. I don't think I've ever dated a guy that's treated me right or had his head on straight. I search them out. They don't necessarily come to me, I sorta maybe might some how find them. It's stupid I know, and it's not even something that was so hidden I didn't know it I just realized it.
The other thing is, is that I know a lot of great amazing wonderful guys, that if I maybe let them I could get close to them. But for some reason I'm like deathly afraid of good guys. I am scared. Mostly because I know that if I have a bad guy he may not judge me as much for my short comings. I mean I've been told a ton of times I have issues. I argue with people, I like things to go my way, I don't like communicating with people when I'm mad at them, I can get mad for dumb reasons, and sometimes I'm just no fun to be around. So why would a good honest guy ever want me?!
I don't feel worthy of anyone's love. Except those that are just as messed up as I am, and even then they don't want me. Sorry this isn't a post that I want pity for. I am just realizing that I have a lot to do before someone amazing is going to want me. Because I don't think I can even let a good guy close without running away. I don't want them to get close to only have them walk out of my life because of my craziness. It's scary.
Well there you have it:) Epiphanies are super fantastic<3
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