realizing some things

So I talked to my sister-in-law last night and I think I got to the root of what's been really bothering me lately. but first...

I bore my testimony in relief society on Sunday and I read the scripture in Alma that talks about Heavenly Father not tempting us above which we can bear. So basically Heavenly Father knows what I can handle and He isn't going to give me something that I can't handle. Which is really nice to know, but at the same time sorta sucks cause that means I'm stronger than I thought. (which I guess I should also take that in a good way. haha) I have just been feeling really down lately. At first I thought it was about men (cause it almost always is) but then I realized it's spiritual. I haven't been reading my scriptures and that's just horrible. I know that when I read them I feel better about myself.

Okay now back to the root of what's been bothering me... I was REALLY happy when I was finishing my mission papers and getting ready to turn them in. I felt like my life had purpose and that I was meant for something greater than myself. Then I went and saw the stake president and my whole life got turned upside down. I mean I had been praying a lot and it didn't feel all that right, but I honestly wonder if that's because I was supposed to get something figured out this semester before I could go, or if it's because I just thought that I wasn't supposed to go. All I know is that I haven't been as happy since I decided not to go on a mission. And that's what I finally realized last night. Everyone and there mom has been getting there mission calls and I have been feeling super jealous that they are all going. Why would I be feeling jealous unless it's because deep down I wanted it too?! I have no idea what will happen, and maybe I will go home for my off track and decide I need to go, but whatever happens I am glad I have my Heavenly Father. I pray to Him every night and actually talk to Him. If that's all I was supposed to get out of starting my mission papers then that will be a great blessing. I never used to pray the way I do now, and it's amazing to know that I can have such a great relationship with my Heavenly Father:)