Well here I am. Not going on a mission. Wondering what I'm supposed to do with my life. But the thing is... I don't feel like I've been shut in a dark cave like every other time. I understand the gospel and the atonement so much more than I did before, and I understand prayer far more than I think I ever would have, had I not had this experience. This experience meaning having to really ponder and ask my Father in Heaven what I'm supposed to do with my life, and then when I finally got my answer, to learn how to cope with it. I'm not going to lie and say that everything was all happy when Heavenly Father told me I wasn't supposed to go on a mission. It's not like the clouds parted and there was glorious sunshine. In fact I struggled for a couple days after my answer came. I love this gospel and I really wanted to be able to share it with others that needed it just as much as I do. I'll admit I also wanted to go for selfish reasons, like the feeling of opening the call and knowing I get to go somewhere I wouldn't get to go otherwise. But most of all I struggled because it was not my decision. I will be the first to admit that I like to do things my way and by my time. and for one of the first times in my life I completely forgot myself and did only what Heavenly Father wanted me to do.
It was almost a weird concept for me. I mean I have followed the spirit before and done the right things but some times I went against something I knew I was supposed to do because I didn't want to do it, or I did want to do it. For the first time when making a life changing decision I consulted with my Heavenly Father, and it felt weird. Not necessarily a bad weird, just a different feeling than I have ever felt before. A wave of sadness almost washed over me. Not the kind of sadness you get from doing the wrong thing, but the kind of sadness you get when you have to choose between two amazing things and one doesn't get picked. I know my Heavenly Father has a plan for me, and I know He knows me more than I know myself. He understands the feelings of my heart, and He understands what I need to grow and become a better daughter of God.
I'm mostly okay now. I don't cry about it, and I feel good about the decision. There will still be those days where a RM girl talks about how amazing the mission was and I will slightly yearn to have that experience.... but I know Heavenly Fathers has other plans for me, and that's okay:) Who knows.... maybe there is something I'm supposed to do and then I can go on a mission. Or maybe I would struggle on a mission and it would be worse for me to go. I have no idea. But what I do know is that I will forever listen to what my Father in Heaven says to me. I will always listen to the Holy Ghost even when it may embarrass me, make me upset, or even a bit uncomfortable. I will always love my Savior, and I will always believe in this Gospel. There's no way it couldn't be true. No possible way.
It's okay to be sad. I can see that now. It's okay to feel down sometimes; everyone needs to have a down day every once in a while. What's not okay is to stay stuck in the muck. It's not okay to let the sadness consume, without care. It is definitely not okay to blame others for things that have happened or didn't happen. Heavenly Father will never leave us alone. He will always be there with His hand outstretched waiting for us to take it.
I want to take the Saviors hand and I never want to let go. I want to be the kind of daughter my Heavenly Father can look down on and be proud of. I want to be the kind of person that helps others come to the light because of my light. I want to be like my Father in Heaven, and I will never stop striving to be that person.
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