the struggle within

I recently watched the Justin Bieber movie and honestly.. it was really good. Judge me all you want. But I think it's amazing where he has come from, and he really cares about his fans. He isn't just another jerky celebrity who enjoys becoming rich and famous and tearing others down. He cried when he had to cancel one of his shows and was so upset that he was letting his fans down. anyways.... why am I telling you this? I'm honestly not sure. I just wanted to tell you guys that he isn't a bad singer or a little boy or even a loser. He's got guts and he's got lungs! He's all natural.

Anyways... It's been over a month since I've been in school and I've been struggling a lot. And yes people (especially my roommates) have seen my outward struggle because I'm an emotional outward person but no one knows the inward struggle.

first the outward:
I'm stressin big time over two of my classes- accounting and business. Yes I know these are hard classes but I never imaged the amount of work I would have to put into these classes to pull a D on a test. Yes. I did get a D on my first accounting test. Although it was .3 away from a C so whatever.. I'm happy with it. Business is a freaking stats class. I was not aware I was signing up for a business stats class, and would I have known that I may have had thoughts about changing my major. Okay so the homework is harder than I thought and it's taking up so much of my time.

second the inward: I literally feel stupid. I feel like I lost all of my smarts somewhere on the way up to Rexburg and they are lost. I know others are struggling but school used to be easy for me. I've seriously asked myself multiple times why I am here in college getting a degree. I feel like school isn't even for me. I mean I could do almost no homework and get pretty good grades but now I can't even figure out my homework. So I went and got a tutor, and you wanna know what he asked me? "Don't you feel stupid?" NO JOKE. I seriously wanted to cry. I am sure this tutor had know idea that he had just tapped into what I had been feeling since the beginning of the semester, and almost made me break down sobbing, so I guess I wont really judge him. Even though it was a rather rude thing to say to an accounting student who isn't even an accounting major. Sorry I know I have been rambling on and on.. and yes I am talking about my feelings. So if that makes you uncomfortable maybe you should check that heart of yours:) I just feel like I'm worthless. Yes I know. I never thought I would utter those words to myself, especially after such amazing self discovery, but I do. Almost every single day. I'm doing pretty awful in most of my classes and I'm starting to feel less spiritual every day. I seriously hate the feeling of not feeling so spiritual. It's one of the worst feelings in the world. I want to get it back, but I honestly don't know how to. To make matters worse I can't seem to get a guy to even look at me. NO FREAKING JOKE. haha. They look at everyone around me but seem to look right through me. No I don't need a man to be happy, but it sure wouldn't hurt.

I know what you're thinking if you've actually gotten this far... This girl is ridiculous. and yes I really am. I love myself. I love my life. Please don't mistake this blog post as me being overly negative and pessimistic, because thats not why I wrote it. I am really struggling and writing helps me. So judge me ALL you want:) I'll take all you've got.

To make matter worse my mom went to the ER today. I know my dad is all touchy with me writing stuff on my facebook because he thinks it's some secret, so I'm not writing it on facebook. The few of you that read this probably already know so I'm gonna write about it. well not really about it but just write. Basically I'm really scared. Like really scared. I know I don't really hold my emotions in but I hold these in because no one understands and people just tell me they're sorry and it'll all be fine. But they don't know. They can't know. If I lose my mom I don't know what I'll do. I cannot imagine my life without her, and so I wont. But for her being in the hospital is a serious thing because she is so headstrong that she will be at home working until she can no longer go on. I love that woman. I know this is an awful thing for me to say but I've been praying since I got here for my mom and then she ends up in the hospital. HELLO HEAVENLY FATHER! ARE YOU UP THERE? DID YOU TAKE A LITTLE VACATION? ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO ME? now I am surely going to hell for even typing those words but it's how I feel. If you want to say something to me about how He does hear me and He loves me DON'T. I've heard it all before. I know. Doesn't mean I don't wonder it.

Well sorry this has been a really long post. Guess I just needed to talk to my computer:) Although I feel exactly the same as I did before I started writing this, some of my emotions wont come out as sobs or anger.. so that's a very fantastic thing. Anyways.. thanks for reading:) And for not saying anything unless it's to tell me that I'm awesome:) haha JK but really. Thank You.