confessions of a depressionaholic:)

hello followers.

haha cheesy way to start a blog post but whatevs. I have so much to say, and will probably be in tears by the end of this blog post but it needs to be said:) so let me just start off with some background information to what is coming:

I have been really struggling these past couple of weeks (although it's been worst the past few days) about many different things. 1) My internship is REALLY fun and I am learning and getting a new experience but I am having a difficult time filling up my 4 hours a day. I have so many things I want to implement but I get the feeling the implementing is going to be done by the new person they hire soon. 2) I need to find a job but I just don't want to do anything. It's not necessarily that Im lazy because I can work really hard, it's just that I think I am falling back into depression. (which SUCKS) But I found a job and I am interviewing this Monday. It pays well and it's working with kids which I love even more! 3) The biggest struggle I have had is missing my friends.

Im trying to come up with a logical explanation for my depressed feelings because as my family would say, after all, they are just FRIENDS. hmm.... friends. yes. I would agree and disagree with that statement. They are just friends because none of them were born into my family but they aren't just friends because they are like family to me. Basically they are like my second family. To some this may seem ridiculous, but when you live with girls for 10 1/2 months (Danielle), 7 months (Erin, Michelle), and 3 1/2 months (Breanna) and you spend all of your time with them they become to feel like your family. Not to mention the fact that your family is hundreds of miles away. ANYWAYS... back to the situation. I miss these girls all so much. They all have such wonderful qualities and they are like my family. Three of them are up at school now and I feel like I've been replaced. I know this isn't the case because they aren't the kind of girls that do that, but none-the-less it's been getting me down. SOMETHING is seriously wrong with my brain and how I think. I should get that checked by a doctor:)

I wasn't quite sure how to get outta this rut and these feelings and I decided that I should just tell them how I feel. I mean Im not mad or anything. I just want them to know how much they mean to me. After all, it is only fair:) so here goes: (just know that these are my most inner, deepest thoughts, and I normally wouldn't be so vulnerable but it's time, for once, to say what I feel)

Danielle:

I am so glad the school put us on the same track and in the same dorm room. You know me so well and sometimes you tell me things about myself that I don't even know. Thats pretty special. You told me the other night that the people that don't understand just don't know me the way you do. It's so simple yet that meant so much to me. I know that I can be such a handful and you probably didn't want a handful best friend when you came to college but Im glad that you stick around because you are my best friend! I can tell you anything and you don't judge, you just listen. I can be pretty annoying too but you just laugh at my obnoxiousness and love me still the same. I miss you a lot right now. We've both been so busy and we don't really talk as much as we used to and it's sad but that's life right. Im so excited your sister is coming home soon but at the same time I am a little nervous. You two are best friends and I just don't wanna get left behind. Now I know you say you wont do that, and I do believe you, it just makes me a little scared that's all. I'm glad I don't have to know what my life would be without you, cause it wouldn't be nearly as fun or great. We got engaged, played tennis, and cried together. the ff in bff better be true because I wanna get on a plane when Im 67 and come have a girls weekend with you. You are like a sister to me. I love you!

Erin:

We have so many things in common and you are one of the easiest people to talk to that I know. It was also great that you stayed in the spring because we became really close then. You helped me through a really difficult thing and I will be forever grateful to you. You are the most caring person I know. You don't say a bad thing about anyone and you make me a better person. I wish I could be more understanding like you are. You have the most amazing voice and Im honored that you shared it with me:) These next few semesters are going to be really different and weird without you there but if you are supposed to go on a mission then thats wonderful! I know we had some different views this last semester and Im sorry for the way I acted because I know that you were just being you, sweet and caring. I just love ya tons and I think of you as a sister too. I know you don't let many people in and I am so glad that you let me in. Your friendship means the world to me. Stay in touch please, cause I want to be friends with you for years to come!

Breanna:

I've known you the least amount of time, yet I feel very close to you. There were so many things going on the semester that we met and I do feel like I owe you an apology for being part of the reason that a friendship was severed. I also know that you are one of the strongest people I have ever met. You were going through such a tough time and you hardly ever showed how hurt you were. You were always happy and I seriously learned so much from you. I just look up to you and I want to be more like you. You told me that happiness is my choice. Boy is that ever so true. You are a big reason that I don't want to be upset about this stuff, but I want to be happy with what I have. I do miss you like crazy though. You are like my long lost sister. We have so much in common and I could just talk to you for hours. You also LOVE to party which is one of my favorite things to do. You can always make me laugh and thats important too. I do admit that Im most scared of you replacing me. You just make friends with everyone so easily and you're attitude is contagious. We don't really get to talk that much either, but when we do it's for a short time. But I realize now that even though you post the most fun status ever it doesn't mean you forgot about me, just made new friends:) Thanks for being there for me when I almost threw my life away. You stopped me from doing things to myself that were bad, and I owe you big time. It just may take a whole life time to pay you back:) I love you hon!

Michelle:

We just have so much fun together and you speak your mind so when I need to be put in my place you do that for me. I miss having the same classes as you so we can talk about the teacher being a wack job or do our homework together. You were the only one that came to look for me at 3 in the morning because you were worried about me. That means more to me than I could ever tell you. We did fight a lot but it was never anything that ended a friendship. Just things that needed to be said. I think that's why we have a good friendship. Because I put you in your place and you put me in mine:) Guess the thing Im struggling most with right now is the comments. I know that you guys are having fun and it makes me sad that I am missing it. It hurts just a little when you say things that make it seem like Im making a big deal about it and I should stop being stupid. I just miss you guys and my life. Im sorry if I'm annoying you, it's just hard to leave the only life I know anymore. I do love you! Thanks for putting up with me for so long! We live close enough that we better see more of each other when we aren't in school! Friends forever!

Well there we go, the tears are flowing, and you guys know my deepest fears. I mean I made this a very undepressed version cause I figure no one needs that. haha you guys are amazing! Thanks for being there for me. Im so glad that Heavenly Father had it in his plan for us to be friends. You guys have to put up with so much with me and Im sorry that you have to, but you really are my real true friends. Everyone else has left by now. I love you girls with all my heart, and that wont ever change!