I just had an amazing weekend in Provo with two of my favorite people in the world. My sisters, Mary and Jenni. Me and Jen drove all by ourselves:) and we stayed with Mar in her dorm (well I stayed in her friend Ashley's room) We did so many fun things there like going to the temple, BYU men's volleyball games, Conference (at the conference center), visiting my brother's grave, and going to some place with trampolines and foam pits. One thing I've realized as I've gotten older is that friends will absolutely come and go but family is FOREVER. Even when you suck and are being a total butt head they don't desert you, or turn on you, or even tell you how awful you are. They love you UNCONDITIONALLY! I had been searching for those people in all the wrong places. Turns out they were in front of me the whole time:)
We didn't have tickets for the Saturday morning session so we got up at 5:20 and made sure we got to Salt Lake in time to get in the standby line. I know everyone there was hoping to get into conference and probably prayed that they would be able to get in but Heavenly Father definitely answered our prayers. This girl came up to the standby line and stood right in front of us and asked if anyone needed 4 tickets. There was 3 of us and then a man by himself next to us. She could have gone anywhere (there were about 30 people in front of us) but she came and stood exactly where we were and asked. I just wanted to give her the biggest hug... So we went and waited at the conference center and we actually got pretty good seats. We were not on the floor but we were 4 rows from the floor. It was so great.
I absolutely loved hearing the Mtab warming up. They sing so beautifully and I just was in awe of the spirit I felt. It was amazing to actually hear the general authorities and apostles in person. I had never been given that experience and I definitely treasured it. One of my favorite parts of being there was at the hour when everyone stood up and sang a song. I seriously couldn't stop grinning and staring at everyone. So many faithful saints gathered together in one place singing their praises to God. I had shivers the whole entire song.
Two talks really stood out to me this session of the conference. Paul E. Koelliker talked about missionaries. I have a lot of friends on missions, and a lot of friends that are going on missions, but that's not why his talk spoke to me. I have been thinking about going on a mission but I just don't know if it's what I need to do with my life. The things he said just confirmed that I need to pray and think harder about it. He said that "missionary experiences will help with the rest of your life" I had never thought about it that way. I also loved that he said, "finding a way to awaken that desire to learn is our quest" I love this gospel and I want to continue to learn about it the rest of my life!
Dallin H. Oaks spoke along the same lines but what stood out to me again was what he said about missionaries. "as you sacrifice for each other the Lord will bless you" I've been searching for so long and it seems that maybe a mission is the answer to my prayers. "'Whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it'" This is said all the time in the church but it meant something different to me when Elder Oaks said it on Saturday. I have been searching for my life's meaning and maybe the answer is on a mission....
Anyways, so after conference we decided to head up to Syracuse to visit my brother. I don't go to Utah very much so anytime I'm there I like to drop in and bring him some nice flowers or something pretty. There wasn't anything so I was glad we had bought him a beautiful bouquet of flowers. I cannot believe it will be 11 years come this Easter Sunday. I must be very emotional now because I can't see the screen because my eyes are all teary... anyways.... I miss him so much. I wonder everyday what it would have been like to be able to call him up and ask for advice or help or just comfort. My birthday is coming up in 3 days and the only thing I can think about is not that I'm turning 21 and will be an adult but that I'm turning the age Sam was when he died, and that 11 years ago on April 6 was the last time I ever heard my brothers voice. He called to wish me a happy 10th birthday, but I was having a party and so I didn't want to talk to him for very long. He told me "your big brother loves you" That's really all I remember from the conversation. If I could take anything back in my whole entire life it would be that. I would have forgotten about my dumb party and actually talked to my brother. I know I'll see him again and that makes me so unbelievable happy, but I just wish I could see him now. I miss him so much!
So now that I've cried off all my make up lets continue. Saturday evening we went and played on some trampolines. haha it was SO much fun! I definitely hurt myself more then once from jumping into the foam pits but it was worth it. I did an aerial into the pit off of a trampoline and I was so excited I hadn't forgotten how to do it. hahaha. We all smelled awful after though, because we were sweating and they never clean the foam pits so we had everyone else's sweat all over us. yummy. The shower after that felt soooo good. haha
Sunday morning we stayed and watching the morning session. It was the first time I have ever cried during a conference talk. I was literally bawling during President Uchtdorf's talk. He talked about not judging people and forgiving others. Now I am not perfect and I judge others. Sometimes I mean to do it and sometimes I don't. I have been really struggling with my feelings toward someone and I just couldn't stop crying. I know what they did to me hurt, and it made me really angry with them but "stop it". She probably didn't mean to hurt me, and even if she did, I am required to forgive her. I almost picked up my phone in the middle of his talk and called her, but I want to make sure that I figure out what I'm going to say, and make sure that I really have forgiven her. I've never had a conference talk effect me this way. EVER. I'm glad I stayed for the morning session before going home because I never would have gotten it had I just read it later. Heavenly Father knows what we need and He will make sure we get it.
I am so grateful for this Gospel and for my Savior and for all that he has done for me. I am grateful that I don't have to be perfect, that all I have to do is do the best I can and let the atonement do the rest. "It's true isn't it?? THEN WHAT ELSE MATTERS?!"
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